Social Networking Etiquette
by Kevin Lane Skarritt

You?re at a cocktail party where you meet a Japanese business man. After the formal introduction he bows as he hands his business card to you, holding the top corners of the card, one in each hand, presenting his card face-up and facing toward you. You pass this presentation off as a cultural nicety and you promptly pull one of your cards out of your breast pocket and hand it to him (albeit not with the same flourish). You take a look at his card to see what his title is and then proceed to tuck his card into your trousers pocket so you don?t lose it. When you start speaking with this gentleman, you find he?s cold and seems as if he?s been offended in some way. How were you to know that almost everything you did would be seen as offensive to this business man — not presenting your card respectfully … scrutinizing the card after receiving it … sticking it in your pocket
after receiving it.

Is this kind of social gaffe a deal killer? … YOU BET!

With everything that?s happening today on the Internet — social networks, forums,podcasts, electronic newsletters, any number of online communities, etc. — is there an equally important set of rules? Is there a new “Netiquette” for social communication online? Again, YOU BET!

I wrote a blog post last month and provided a metaphor for how newcomers should view social networking. The Metaphor described a 6 year old kid showing up to his first birthday party invitation. Normally, kids would have an innate fear of a new social setting that would make them much more shy and reserved, at least until they figure out what?s allowed in this new environment. Imagine a kid who, instead, has no fear of making social mistakes and then blows out the candles (instead of the birthday boy) whilst spraying spit all over the cake. This kid is going to be shunned in a big way and will not likely understand why.

In the world of Social Networking, the question is, “how can you not be the kid spraying spit on the cake?”

The sad, but true, fact of the matter is adults have not all retained this same sense of caution that children do… they?ve unlearned it over time. Some adults will dive into new social situations willy-nilly and behave in ways that are shocking and alarming. Especially online situations. Let?s try to avoid this same fate, shall we?!
Let me expand the metaphor to an “adult cocktail party” to demonstrate the “what NOT to do” items. First I?ll describe the cocktail party situation so you can see how ridiculous the behavior is, and then I?ll pass along the etiquette advice. Here goes…

1. Directly Address the Recipient
Imagine you?re at the cocktail party, hanging out by yourself, but the party is full
and there are lots of people milling around. A stranger walks up to you and instead of engaging in polite conversation, they start yelling, at the top of their voice using absurdly generic comments in your general direction … comments clearly not meant for you as much as being an effort to be heard by everyone in the room.
The most offensive screaming comment was when the person yelled “HELLO
FRIEND! I HAVE A WONDERFUL OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU TO CONSIDER!”
… and then they proceed to pitch you (and everyone else) on their business.

Holy cow would that be embarrassing. You can?t even imagine anyone doing that at a real cocktail party but this happens all the time online!

Tip: Don’t blast out generic “be my friend” requests to your address book. You?ve essentially started the “conversation” letting the recipient know they aren?t worthy of a personalized message. If you jump right in after that with a bit about what you?re selling, you?ve now crossed over to the dark side and will be seen as
the worst of all web scum … a spammer. To avoid this fate, treat your communication as the special event that it is. Be courteous and treat people with personable, thoughtful attention.

Understand that this doesn?t mean you can?t reach out and make a connection with a complete stranger. Let?s say you?d like to start communicating with a well known figure in your industry. This person is likely getting hundreds, if not thousands of networking requests daily. Most of these will be the generic, blasted variety and will get deleted in a matter of microseconds. How refreshing would it be for that person to hear that you?ve been reading/following their industry activities for quite some time (with you recounting some details as proof) and you?d appreciate the opportunity to pass some interesting ideas their way every now and again. By making this introductory letter personal and focused on benefits to them, you stand a much better chance of successfully garnering their attention and highly valued network link.

As an example, a friend and professional resume writing client of mine in Toronto, Martin Buckland spends quite a bit of time harvesting connections via LinkedIn.com. He makes connections with professional employment recruiters by finding them on the network first, then researching them a bit, then writing them a
personal note/email letting him know his intentions. He describes how he is actively building his network and how he?s finding that connecting with non-competitive industry cohorts (like them), seems to be mutually beneficial. He briefly describes his credentials and experience overcoming the credibility hurdle) and sends the message off keeping the entire message personal, short, to the point and easy to absorb. He reports that this is an amazingly productive way of building a network of business referral sources.

Another example comes from Scott Monty, Social Media Guru and author of the Social Media Marketing Blog. In this example, two authors pitch their product to Scott but do so in a video they produced especially for him. Highly personal, and highly effective.

2. Know the Rules of the Network
Let?s transplant two people from two different cocktail parties. First we?re going to
move Bubba “Mongo” McGuinty over to the Yacht Club annual black-tie gala. At the
same time we?re going to move Allison “Buffy” Vanderbuilt over to the Phi Kappa
Tau Spring Beer Bash. It doesn?t take much to see where this is going. Let?s just
say that neither situation will be pretty.

As you might expect, every social network is different in some way. They all have their own nuances in conventions, standards and expectations. There?s an ENORMOUS difference between MySpace.com and LinkedIn.com. Where MySpace is:

• Younger, Hipper
• More Casual
• More tolerant of unusual behavior and language usage

LinkedIn is:

• Much more business oriented
• More formal
• Fairly rigid in what is considered “appropriate” networking

This is not to say you can?t participate on both. You just need to know the rules of each before you really jump in head first. It would be physically impossible to go through the nuances of every available network in an article like this … especially considering the speed at which social networks are being developed on a daily
basis.

Social Networking Etiquette – Skarritt – 1-15-08 3 John Jantsch, author of Duct Tape marketing rightfully is calling 2008 “The Year of Niche Social Networking.” Expect to see and hear a TON of news and creative ideas surrounding the move of businesses toward online social networks this year. Every industry will have movers and shakers sprout up social networking ideas soon… very soon.

Watch this YouTube video to see 5000 Web 2.0 applications in just over 5 minutes. Many of these are social networks and very few of them existed two years ago. Amazing! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hs_xnyJtWEc

Which leads us directly to the next tip …

3. Pick the “Right” Network
A big concern among active social networkers is what groups to join and, more to the point, how to separate your personal life from your business life. The challenge is that most social networking activities become visible to the world. Think about it, you may not want to have your boss find those pictures of you in college… with the dog … and the bowl of guacamole dip. Kinda makes you think, doesn?t it?

So what does one do? Pick your social networks carefully. Learn how to create “private” or “limited” profiles. Be selective with who you network within each group. Here?s a brief breakdown of some of the big names in
social networking (and their main focus):

• MySpace — General social networking, typically younger crowd, casual
• FaceBook — General social networking, started out as college students but is maturing to include business people as well
• LinkedIn — Very business-like, pure networking. Big emphasis on people search and job search
• Ryze — Almost identical to LinkedIn
• Plaxo — Another business oriented, general social network
• Jaiku — General social networking. Owned by Google.
• MeetUp — General social networking. Leads to offline meetings
• Friendster — General social networking. Left in the dust by MySpace.
• Twitter — Micro-blogging, techie-heavy crowd
• Bebo — MySpace-like, popular in Europe and Down-under
• Classmates — Name kinda says it all

Additionally, there are many sites that extend the social networking to include some type of “sharing”. Here are some big names (and what they share):

• YouTube — Video sharing
• Flickr — Photo sharing
• Del.icio.us — Bookmark sharing (called “social bookmarking ”)
• StumbleUpon — Favorite web site sharing
• SlideShare — Slideshow sharing
• Digg — News and article sharing

Of course, these are just some of the big names. With a quick Google search, you can find literally thousands more in each category above.

4. Who Do You Say YES To?
Back to the cocktail party. Several people appear to be trolling the room looking to
hook up with people of the opposite sex. You watch one young man over by the
fireplace being swarmed by a crowd of girls. He apparently is saying “yes” to
anyone who throws a pass his way. Another wall-flower of a girl sitting quietly at
the end of the couch is just watching the show and absorbing it all in… politely
saying “no” to all offers. Which one is you?

When you join online social networks, you?ll have your own preferences, your own networking objectives and your own comfort level. That?s OK. Almost assuredly, however, somebody will eventually ask to link to you online — to join your network — and you generally have the opportunity to accept or decline. Some people knee-jerk off a “yes” to anyone who?ll ask and others instantly say “no” to anyone they don?t know personally. The best mix for most people is somewhere in between these two extremes.

Here are some tips:

• You don?t have to feel bad about declining an offer to network with someone.
• You don?t have to explain to someone why you?re declining or dropping out of a network. In fact, if you do go out of your way to explain why you?re “breaking up” with them, it becomes awkward and demonstrates that you aren?t fully aware of the etiquette.
• If you say “yes” to somebody and they then proceed to spam you or to send excessive messages without value, it?s OK to politely “break up” or to let them know in a kind and professional manner that you?re not interested in that specific type of communication.
• Because others will look at your network and will assume you?re willing to hook them up (by referral) with other people in your network, be cautious of saying “yes” to anyone who you might not be willing to extend this courtesy to in the future. It?s your reputation on the line.

Social networking does not always follow the “when in Rome …” adage. Certainly, you need to understand proper etiquette, but it?s also your networking you?re managing. Find your own way and hook up with people that you mesh with!

5. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!
One Joker at the party is just plain offensive. Yeah, you could chalk it up to the
fact that he?s plastered beyond belief, but, in reality, he?s probably like this all the
time. Groping women as he passes by … yelling profanities … busting holes in the wall for fun … peeing in the punch bowl. Yep, you get the idea.

There are definitely certain things you should never do. Some are obvious, but some not so much:

Never spam
If they didn?t ask for a sales pitch … don?t give one.

Don’t be a Stalker
There?s a fine line between “Lurking” (casually observing a person or a group) and “Stalking” (being the creepy person who knows everything about you and sends inappropriate messages on a too regular of a
basis).

Don’t Hide — Be transparent
It?s common to see people online saying things that are just plain rude and obnoxious. Typically, these weenies hide behind the veil of an anonymous id/profile. They would not likely say these things if you could confront them personally. If you find you?re hiding behind an online identity (for any reason) be careful to not go to this dark side.

Don’t be a Snob
Douglas Karr, author of the Marketing Technology Blog, gives us some advice Don?t ever be; mean, disrespectful, unsupportive or just plain ignorant … or you just might get a big red “No Snobs Allowed” graphic sent to you!

6. Miscellaneous Tips

Proofread before clicking that send button.
Body language in the real world helps tremendously with the communication of ideas. Since you don?t get this online, you?re more open to the vagaries of text communication. It?s easy to write something with one meaning and completely miss out on how it might be interpreted by somebody else. Prooffreed before you
send.

Don’t over-Twitter or over-post or over-message in any network.
Most people don?t really need to know (or care) that your corn flakes just got soggy. By sending meaningless blasts of drivel out to your network, you run the risk of being seen as a … well, as a flake.

Be careful of photos you post … and actively censor the photos your friends post of you.
This includes how photos are tagged and titled. If your friends use your name next to the photo, it?ll be that much easier to find (by your co-workers) online. Similarly, limit access to your photo albums.

Be “Real”
Include a real photo of yourself in your profile. No one really wants to see a picture of your goldfish. Including a real photo doesn?t hurt but it definitely helps people feel connected with you.

Include your Maiden Name
If you?re a married woman, people you knew back-in-the-day won?t know your new name. In your profile, include your maiden name so you can connect with those people in your past.

Cultivate your Network
If your Twitter profile has 14,027 people that you?re following and only 8 who are following you, it?s obvious you?re not really networking as much as you?re working the system to spam people. Similarly, don?t add a gajillion people to your friends list. Instead connect with real people who care about you and your views. Word of mouth and trust will take care of the rest. San Francisco Bureau Chief, Karen Breslau was quoted in Newsweek saying “… Facebook complicates the pleasure of gently losing touch with people you're tired of." I?m not exactly sure that applies here, but it sounds good.

Don’t annoy people
Multiple audio files playing. Insane file sizes for downloads. Gawdy background wallpaper. Anything that blinks or flashes. … yes, they all annoy! Which leads us to …

Poke seldomly
Facebook allows you to “poke” another member. As the name implies, it can be annoying if you do it too often. “I?m not touching you … I?m not touching you … I?m not touching you.” Grrrrrrr.

Don’t write on your own wall
Networks like Facebook allow you to leave notes on another person?s profile … called “writing on their wall”. When you write on your own wall, it?s just sad…. And makes you look like a lonely person with nothing better
to do.

Don’t network while drunk!
I know it shouldn?t need to be said, but it?s amazing how often normally very professional people will decide to get online at 2:00 AM to send a quick message to their networks. You can just imagine how bad this can look.

Don’t join too many groups
Like when you were in school. If you join too many groups, you can?t reeeeally get the most out of any one of them. You get spread too thin on time. Same goes for online groups. 20-25 is about as many people can
handle.

Don’t be Fred Sanford
OK, I?m dating myself by making a reference to the 1970?s show “Sanford and Son”, and Fred?s junk yard, but, to me, it appears that A LOT of profiles are just a dumping ground of every widget, application, image, audio file … everything but the kitchen sink. It not only makes your page unbearably slow to load but it also
annoys.

Multiple Email Address References
If you really want to get people to connect with you fast, be sure to include your email address in multiple locations throughout your profile. Including a specific invitation to connect with you (with your email addy) will also ramp up your connection rate.

Be Honest
If you ask a network connection (like on LinkedIn) to give you a referral to one of their network connections, be open and honest with your intentions. If you?re looking for a job, say so. Here?s the rub. If you say you want to connect with somebody, are granted the link and then call that person up to sell them a life insurance policy, you?re nothing but a lowly spammer and you?ve embarrassed the person who gave you the link in the first place.

Be Responsive
If somebody asks for a link or a referral and you don?t reply for two weeks, it?s considered bad form. If you don?t want to link, politely decline. If you don?t want to give a referral, politely say why. The operative word here is “politely”.

7. The Final Word
Social networking sites are a great way to interact with friends and meet new and interesting people, whether it?s purely social or for business. However, when used carelessly, social networking sites can be used by social predators to embarrass you (in the least) or, worse yet, steal your identity or cause you financial or physical harm.

The power of the Internet is truly amazing. Use it wisely, but don?t fear it.

Dive in … the water?s warm. Take it slow at first and soon you?ll find yourself networking with the best of „em.

Kevin Lane Skarritt is the Chief Nut at Acorn Creative, a Laconia, NH based boutique brand strategy and web development firm. He is also the co-founder of The Black Widow Network, a social network for real estate investors and is the web developer for Equestrian Web, a new social network being developed for the entire world of horse lovers.

Feel free to connect with Kevin (using the rules above — no spam please) at:
http://www.facebook.com/srch.php?nm=kevin+skarritt
http://www.linkedin.com/profile?viewProfile=&key=66880
http://twitter.com/skarritt
http://www.myspace.com/skarritt

Social Networking Etiquette – Skarritt – 1-15-08